2. Women Who Find Themselves Beautiful, How Did You Find That Unconditional Self-Love? : stressLess-life

Women Who Find Themselves Beautiful, How Did You Find That Unconditional Self-Love?

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TL;DR at the end. Need to vent somewhere.

I’m 23F, and I’ve struggled with body image for as long as I can remember. Growing up I got bullied a lot for my body and my looks by almost everyone around me (parents, family, teachers, peers) and it really conditioned me in a negative way. I also am a CSA and SA survivor. I was always told I was “too skinny” and that “I don’t have enough curves” so I ended up eating myself sick for awhile to gain curves, and when I did I got comments like “you’re too fat” and “your belly is disgusting”. After that I hit the gym and did a lot of weightlifting while also working in hard manual labor, and lost about 100lbs and got back to the body I essentially had before the weight gain, just with a lot of muscle tone. Gaining and losing a lot of weight in a short period of time left me with stretch marks and a bit of loose skin on my breasts, thighs and stomach, which makes me even more self-conscious.

No matter what body type I had, I found myself constantly self-comparing, dying of envy when I see a woman with a better body and/or facial features, and being really uncomfortable with what I see in the mirror. I feel like my whole self worth is tied to being feminine and attractive. I find it hard to accept my partner being attracted to me / wanting to have sex with me, I get repulsed at the thought he could be imagining a far more beautiful woman underneath of him instead of me. I’m terrified he will eventually cheat on me or leave me for a prettier woman. I struggle to even post on social media, or having photos taken of me. I immediately start criticizing my own body and face in every shot. And don’t get me started on compliments. They feel like someone is pulling a Regina George “cute skirt” moment on me, like I’m being secretly mocked. Or they feel like they’re coming from a place of pity.

It’s a nightmare to feel like this 99% of the time, and it comes with a vicious cycle with that 1%. I’ll start getting somewhere with my self-love healing journey, I’ll begin to feel pretty, and then all the progress I make disappears the moment I see another woman with better looks and I hit total rock bottom.

TL;DR How do I let go of this horrible jealousy and not feel less deserving of happiness and love compared to prettier women? How can I start looking at myself with unconditional love and feel genuinely beautiful no matter what? How did you confident ladies get to the point of not giving a f*ck about beauty standards?

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