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2. trying to find my way back to myself. : stressLess-life

trying to find my way back to myself.

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Last year, my marriage got wounded pretty hard (long story - let's just say a series of miscommunications and assumptions resulted in a really shit situation). We're in marriage counseling now and I attend CoDA meetings twice a week. I'm also now taking medication for anxiety and sleep. I try to go to the gym a few times a week but i haven't made it there the past two weeks due to busyness (I'm a college student and working mother to a somewhat high needs child). I've always been a spiritual person (earth-based) but the only term I feel I can use to describe my current relationship to spirit is "crisis of faith" and "dark night of the soul."

The problem is, I just... don't feel like me anymore. I think this was starting to happen before that situation but that situation made it spiral out of control. I'm struggling with a preoccupation with death (not in an ideation way, in a terrified way) and it's extraordinarily hard to find a sense of joy, fulfillment, and contentment that isn't marred by the former. I used to see the world in such a magical way, and was capable of being in the moment and just enjoying being alive. Now I try to be in the moment and feel like there's a screen between me and life, keeping me from truly feeling the good in it even when I logically know it's there. It's hard to get myself to do the things I used to love to do. The only time I've felt totally myself in recent months has been when I'm drunk 😬 Luckily I'm a lightweight and that happens with only two drinks but you'd see how I wouldn't want to make THAT a habit.

I just don't want to live my life feeling like this. I want to feel good, overall, again. I want to Carpe the eff out of this diem and all that again. I want to dance and sing and be a goofball with my daughter and husband and not feel like I'm having to fake it. I want to see friends and be able to GENUINELY smile and have positive things to talk about. I want to look in the mirror and think "Ooo damn I'm gorgeous." I want to love myself and my life again and not give af what anyone thinks of that.

Idk. I guess I just want to talk to people who were where I am but have since found the joy and magic in life again. What helped you drag yourself out of the mud?

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