2. I don’t know how to love myself : stressLess-life

I don’t know how to love myself

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I never had a lot of confidence. Growing up, I was very insecure about my weight, looks, and even my intelligence. I was bullied and had a hard time socializing with other kids. I was the quiet, shy girl who just focused on school... Because I felt it was the only thing I felt I could do right. My self-esteem was also incredibly low. It was hard for me to believe that anyone would be attracted to me because I never really thought of myself as pretty (I've seen way prettier, thinner girls).

At one point in my life, there was only one guy I genuinely cared about. We knew each other since we were kids. We enjoyed each other's company. In all the times we were together, I felt special. But that all changed when one of my ex-friends suddenly announced they started dating. I will never forget how crushed I was. How I went the entire school day holding in my feelings until I got home. And then I just... Broke. I cried and cried and cried.

But I never said anything. I could have... But how could I? They were my friends. And I wanted them to be happy. I didnt have the courage nor the strength. Eventually we stopped talking altogether. In the years that followed, I had never felt so hallow. I felt so betrayed but I was convinced that I was already too late. What would have been the point of reopening old wounds?

About a year ago, the same guy had reached out to me. Turned out he and my ex-friend had married but it didn't last long (supposedly, they had already been separated for a few months when he messaged me). The moment we started talking, it felt like old times. I smiled. I felt good. I felt special again. We even admitted to have crushed on one another back in our school days. Eventually we went out on a date (we kissed, albeit a bit sudden) and I thought everything was okay.

But then he slowly stopped talking to me. At first I thought it was because of his work schedule being changed, since he mentioned it before. But the communication was nowhere near what it once was. I tried to be understanding and give him enough space. I didnt want to bother him too much but the silence was killing me. I was mostly worried because he worked as a prison guard, and if I hear nothing back after a few days, I get scared. Eventually I ended up hearing next to nothing despite seeing his activity on social media. I was so confused emotionally. I felt ignored and my self-worth had dropped to an all time low. Eventually it became too much to bear. My last message to him addressed my concerns, mostly the lack of communication. I couldn't even be certain if he was being entirely truthful.

Soon I found out I had been blocked by him. And I decided it was fair game. I removed his phone number, deleted his messages, and blocked him back. I had had enough. Nothing was worth going through that emotional turmoil. At that point, I didnt care what the truth was anymore.

Now I am 24 years old and it has been almost a year since this whole thing happened. I've been dating off and on but nothing really stuck. I'm still not very confident in myself but lately I've been thinking a lot. I want to know what it's like to be loved (romantically). But everyone says that before that, I have to love myself first. To be honest, I don't even know how to do that. I have a very strong sense of self-loathing that's been with me for as long as I can remember. Depression and anxiety doesn't help either.

But anyway, like I said, I've been thinking a lot lately about dating and whether I'm doing it for the right reasons. I know my friends and family love me and I want to try to understand self-love but it feels impossible... How do I unlearn such a nasty habit?

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